#30 Don't Force Your Idea of Happiness onto Someone Else's Life

【What I've been up to】

Hi, Reader,

I hope this letter finds you well.

My tiny Instagram account has been growing fast lately,
mostly thanks to one Reel — a clip from my interview with Brother Hao.

It's had more than 40,000 views and over 1,200 likes.
That's more than anything I've ever posted, article or video. Thank you, Brother Hao — all praise to Brother Hao.

It also made me think that I should get out more
and connect with other creators, so more listeners can find me.

I've got lots of projects running at once: updating my website, planning a course, producing the show and editing videos.

I'm also adjusting my routine — trying to go from three workouts a week to six — so my rhythm has been a bit thrown off.

But I believe it's temporary. I hope to get back on track soon; once it becomes a habit, it won't feel so hard.

Now, on to today's topic.

【Don't force your idea of happiness onto someone else's life】

A while ago I was chatting with a friend
about her ideal retirement.

She'd thought it through and done the math:
she'd need about NT$600,000 a month (roughly US$19,000);
at a stretch, NT$500,000 would do.

I kept a straight face and acted calm,
but inside I was shocked —
my inner voice was screaming, “That's way too much!!”

I asked her, “Why do you need so much?”

She said she wants to learn horse riding;
the lessons alone cost NT$100,000 a month,
plus travel and all kinds of experiences…

Interestingly, she doesn't care for designer brands
and has no interest in luxury goods.
What she wants is experiences, not things.

What happened next is a little embarrassing to admit.

I started “educating” her.

I gave her example after example, trying to convince her:
you don't need that much money to be happy;
satisfaction doesn't come from adding up numbers;
maybe try lowering your target… blah blah blah....

I spent a long time
trying to talk her number down.

Did I succeed? Of course not!
We couldn't agree, so we changed the subject.

The topic was left hanging and never came up again.
After that we each went home.

The next morning I did my usual free writing,
going back over the day before.

As I wrote, I suddenly realized
I'd made a serious mistake.

“I treated her as if she were me.”

That one sentence hit me hard.

I'd simply assumed:
I live comfortably on NT$100,000 a month,
so you should be able to as well.

But I had completely ignored one thing —
every one of us is a product of our own past.

It reminded me of a story I shared in issue 26.

Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric,
once had a heart attack and was rushed into an ambulance.

Later, in an interview,
the host asked him, “In that moment in the ambulance, what were you thinking?”

He said, “I didn't spend enough money.”

Or, more colorfully:
“I haven't spent enough of my damn money.”

Why would he say that?

Because he grew up very poor —
so poor he didn't even have coins to jingle in his pocket.

Even after he became one of the richest CEOs in America,
he still drank very cheap wine
and wouldn't let himself have anything expensive,
because that's how he grew up.

Only after that near-death experience
did he swear
never again to drink wine under US$100.

As Jack Welch later put it:
“We are all products of our past.”

So my friend, who wants a retirement of NT$600,000 a month —

she isn't wrong.

That number was shaped by her upbringing, her spending habits
and her own picture of happiness.

I'm not her,
and she isn't me.

What right do I have to apply my standard of happiness to her?

Afterwards, I messaged her to apologize,
and seriously worked it out for her:

to retire on NT$600,000 a month,
how much she'd need to have saved,
and how to plan to reach her goal.

That's what I should have done all along,
not trying to convince her “you don't really need that much.”

It was a deep reminder for me:

Don't force your idea of happiness onto someone else's life.

When someone's answer differs from yours,
it doesn't mean their answer is wrong.

Next time, before you rush to convince someone,
ask yourself first:
“Am I helping them, or am I treating them as if they were me?”

Wishing you well.

This week's episode

#76 | More freedom, more loneliness? Joy is real when it is shared (Four Thousand Weeks #4, finale)

Rest can just be rest; originality lies on the far side of unoriginality (the Helsinki bus station); and happiness is only real when shared. I admit: 'I am very free, but often I feel lonely too.'

Read the full show notes in English › (the episode is in Mandarin Chinese)

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